A new home... so to speak...

So, as those of you know… I used to have a blog at www.cripplingcousins.blogspot.com, but after my sister-in-law changed over to a new blog… I thought to myself… Self, I believe that crippling cousins has bad connotations. It was good for a season, but now, I am passed the negative connotations. I am moving on to a time when I am free to dream and laugh and love and be whatever I want to be when I grow up. I am going to live my life laughing and dreaming big with God!! I will keep updating from this website, http://alldaydreamin.wordpress.com , regarding my health as well as what is happening in my every day life. I hope you all have a great day or evening… Whenever you may read this. I am going to come back soon and catch up on what is going on in my head so to speak! Until next time….

Power to Live...

I do not think that we really understand or want to know just how powerful we really are. We have the power to help facilitate life or death into the lives of those around us. You are probably thinking to yourself... Yes, we can give birth to babies or we can kill someone with a gun, but alas my friends... You are not giving yourself enough credit...

When we choose our words we can choose to be negative or positive. I had a friend today encourage me by telling me who she saw me to be and what talents I possess. She told me something that I may not see if I were looking into a mirror... I mean, looking into a mirror you never really see yourself, you only see your reflection. When my friend told me these positive attributes it made me want to help others and be all that God created me to be. It made me want to take on the world, really walking hand in hand with Jesus, putting it all out there and risking the possibility of getting it all wrong.

If my friend had decided to tell me negative things about myself... You may see life fall from my eyes for a bit. When I could have taken on the world, I may now just want to believe that I can't do it anyways so why even try.

We are powerful... period. I just want to pose a thought to you... When you are stressed or tired or fed up with the little things in life or busy or wanting to feel better about yourself... Are you going to create words of life or death? Are you going to support someone and help them become the best version of themselves or are you going to sit and get jealous of their walk with Jesus and the life they get? I hope that I will remember to think before I react and help people succeed and feel loved and treasured and special. I mean, I would want someone to do the same for me :)

Les Miz...

So tonight my mom, dad, Lex and I went to go see our our friend in Les Miz. I personally love this musical and between that an the Phantom of the Opera could watch them repeatedly! As I watched it closely, I saw a few main takeaways that we all could bring into our every day lives. Grace, redemption, forgiveness, love... These are all things that we struggle with.

Grace, I once heard someone say, I was in a situation where I could have stopped the person from doing something wrong, but when does punishment need to come into the picture... Am I supposed to show them grace or help them "learn their lesson by paying the consequences".... First, I would like to make a side note that I am not saying I do not believe in consequences for actions because whether we like it or not, there are consequences even if we are not the ones to put them into action. But, as I heard this story, I thought about what I would have done and what could have taken place had I chosen each side of the coin... Then I saw Les Miz again tonight and there are two situations where grace is being given and changes the course of someone's life. The minister shows Jean Valjean grace when he steals from his home and in return says he hopes this will turn him into an honest man... Jean Valjean turns his life around and later shows grace to Javert even though he knows Javert will probably hunt him until he dies... In the Bible it says that God's love brings people to redemption... not his consequences or wrath... His love... Now, I am stepping back into the previous situation applying the concept of grace... If I were in the above situation and let the person get what they deserve, they may learn a lesson or they would get punished and possibly put in jail for a small crime and get a good lesson in criminology... Or what if I happened to show the person grace and walked up to them and said, I know what you are thinking about doing... and you can either steal from this store and in get in huge trouble or you can walk away right now... You have the choice... You are not stuck with your previous decision, you are free to change the course of your own life in this minute... The person may go ahead and steal, or they may not steal this time... but I bet you the love that I had shown to that person will stick with them the next time they are thinking about putting something into their jacket that is not theirs... and even if they steal every day for the rest of their lives... I know that it is not my duty to punish people and so why wouldn't I give them the benefit of the doubt and show grace in situations... Give people a chance, don't expect them to mess up, because if you do, if you may not see the little ways that they are succeeding each day! Oh, and if you think they will mess up... that is probably because we all know that we mess up, but that is how we learn and start new and help each other out...

Redemption... A few definitions of this word are... Deliverance upon payment of ransom; rescue... Recovery of something pawned or mortgaged... or the act of delivering from sin or saving from evil.... We have been redeemed... We have someone that loves us so fiercely that He payed the ransom for our sin and has rescued us from evil. We are redeemed right now... Not in 5 or 10 years when we have our stuff together... We have been redeemed and set free from our sin! We don't need to be perfect or look perfect... We can open up our hands and hearts and accept this wonderful give from someone who knows us and all of our secrets and is not ashamed of us or wishes we had done differently. We were made the way we are on purpose... God didn't accidently drop in some drops of a "mess" and call it ok.. He hand crafted each one of us beautifully and called us Good... The creator of the universe calls us Good... Now that is what I am talking about!! :)

Forgiveness... Now this one is a tough one on many levels... The problem that I had and sometimes still have is I like to tie forgiveness in a package with pride and those things don't exactly mix well... They are more like water and oil! For the most part I am a very forgiving person, but for some reason, every once in a while, when I am hurt in a certain way, I feel like I should be justified for not letting go of the other person's throat... That I need to be seen and heard and patted on the head for being hurt. When it comes down to it, I AM THE ONLY PERSON WHO IS MISERABLE!!! When I do not forgive someone, I am not doing myself a favor... The other person isn't being bothered or kept up at night, I am the one who is perturbed and always thinking of how I am the victim... I am not saying that in forgiving someone you need to trust them again... Sometimes it is not a safe person, but for my own sake I need to let their necks go because I am in pain and agony... Plus, once we can learn to forgive we can lead more peaceful and joyful lives because we do not feel the need to make sure someone is punished for their actions...

Lastly, I chose the theme of love... This is last but not least for sure... There was a line in one of the songs sung by Jean Valjean that says... "To love another is to see the face of God"... Sometimes we are so busy with our own lives and what we are doing right versus what others are doing wrong that we forget to love one another. What did Jesus do on Earth? He loved on people... not just an elite group of people... everyone... the whores, the beggars, the sinners the saints, and he even loved on the Pharisees... You may say, he didn't love on them... He punished them for being all about the Law... and if this is your thought, then you are only seeing through the Law... Jesus loved on them by showing them they are wrong... Showing them that there is freedom in relationship with Him and they are missing out on the party... He wanted them to see that it isn't about keeping all of the rules or being perfect... It is about taking your messy life and walking in relationship with Jesus and the people around you and helping each other grow... If we did more of this, loving on those around us where they are at without an agenda, we would impact the world in a much greater way. Everyone wants to go out there and win people for Christ, but they are tearing down those around them... I say for the most part we do not NEED to go anywhere... We need to start loving people in our own back yards and people will come to see the love of Jesus flowing out of us, and that love with flow into other's relationships and the face of God will permeate the world...

Alright, so that was a long one... but if anyone made it all the way to the end... Thanks and I love you all!! Have a great night!! :)

Talk it out...

Some times, or should I say, to often we make excuses for not dealing with a particular issue when it comes to relationships. We let time pass and hope the issue will pass as well, what we do not understand is that we are cheating ourselves and whomever we are in relationship with. We are settling for mediocrity in relationships when we could have phenomenal!

I have just dealt with this kind of situation. Instead of dealing with the issues, I led myself to believe that if I was the "bigger person" or if I just got myself to believe that this is what the other person wanted then I was fine with that. The only problem is, I never asked the other person what they wanted and by being this "bigger person", I was off the hook because I no longer had to confront an issue. I could live my life, at times feeling sorry for myself because this relationship had so much potential, but had such a barrier in the way of thriving. I could have someone to share life with, but instead I watched from the sidelines as others danced through theirs.

I would love to say that I was the one to bring up the issue, but alas, I would be leading you all astray! The issue was brought to my attention and I then got on the phone and called my friend to talk through this issue. We were able to tell our sides of the story and date is back for years, and as I was in this conversation, I realized that if I just would have said something from the beginning, if I would have given as much effort as this relationship is worth to me, then I would have something that would have been so much deeper and free and fun and hard and messy and joyous.

As I am not going to rant, I am going to say that I believe that every person deals with this type of situation in our every day lives. We let an issue go unnoticed, and yes I agree that there are many issues that we can and should let pass, but there are many issues that we "let pass" because we do not want the confrontation. These issues have a way of giving off a little bit of poison every time our hyper sensitive buzzer detects that we are being wronged. If we all could just explain how we are feeling in our relationships and tell each other what hurts us, we can gain understanding and insight and truth. If we let our minds wander around "what if" land, we are short changing ourselves and others. Once we feel hurt, we should let the person/people involved how we are feeling so that this emotion doesn't thrust itself into our imagination, free to become as large as we let it.

If we can just open our mouths and have a conversation, I think we may be surprised by how much it helps our relationships and even helps the sun shine into every moment of our day. Just think about it... :)

Living Life Loved...

I think so many times we just accept the way things are as the best they can be. Letting everyone else dictate to us how we see the world. We empower people to have control over our lives in so many ways, if they do something, if they do not do something, if they voice an opinion that is not even remotely right or kind in the least bit.

People like to have opinions, people like to be heard, everyone is searching for someone to validate what they say, but it doesn't mean that we have to let them change the whole outlook on our day.

I want to choose to live loved, I know that Jesus loves me and I love Him and that I have great friends and family, but how many times do I let one person's opinion change the course of my entire day? How many times do I let one thought decide what is true and right and good? Why do I choose to believe lies, when I know that I have the biggest advocate on my side and is for me and loves me, as I am, standing in this day today?

I am writing this because a week ago, I saw all of the lies that help so tightly onto my day and I saw Jesus' love tear through them and show me the truth that belongs in their places!!

I am choosing to be me and if that is not good enough, then that is ok. I don't have to or need to be liked by everyone to get some form of validation. I know who I am and what I believe and I have people in my life to share all of that with. God will bring people in and out of our lives, I want to love those people, that I may not necessarily enjoy the most. Only I can decide my outlook on the day and which steps with shape my future... Attitude is a big one, and knowing I am loved!!

This was a bit of a ramble, but I think it is about time we accept that we have imperfections and differences, but that is what makes us beautiful and that is what makes us unique. Jesus made us just how he wanted us... He knit us together in our mother's womb. If the creator of the universe knit each one of us together and planned our looks and personalities and likes and dislikes... I am pretty sure we are the most loved children around... We need to remember that as we go through our days...

I am off to bed for now, but that is just a thought that has been a brewin :) haha!! Good night!! :)

From one perfect fit to another,
Amy~

Fall...

Fall is an interesting Concept to me... It makes me think of the fact the circle of life. I know this sounds weird and Yes, I did just watch "The Lion King" with my sister's boyfriend... but, if you think about it... You have green trees and as they are dying their beautiful leaves turn colors or rich reds and burnt orange. Then they fall off and leave the tree, bare with all of the branches exposed. You have the fresh smell of the clean NW air whipping your hair in every which way, but as you look at the tree it is bearing all just standing tall on its own.

This may be an odd way to start a blog, but I was thinking about how Fall represents your legacy. We live, we eventually will die and all that will be left is our legacy... How we are remembered. I know that there are many people in my life that have influenced who I am and have been there through the thick and the thin. For me, I hope I have a legacy of love and caring and that I really made others feel accepted and cherished.

There are a few people at this point in my life who would leave a legacy, I only wish the emulate. My mom, my dad and my sister Lexi. Over the past two or so years, I have been up and down with my health. Through every situation, my mom and dad and sister have been by my side. They have been there to wrap their arms around me when I am sad or to laugh with me and get weak to the point where we have all lost the ability to life our own limbs. I have had nights where I have felt like I was going to get sick and even though my sister is not a fan of throwing up, she was willing to sit it out with me and be there for me if I did get sick just so I was not alone. My parents have helped me out in many ways, they allow me to live at their house and care for me and help me with doctors and sadness and the dramas of being a girl and just do life with me.

That is something that I have been thinking about. We hear that everyone wants people to "do life with" well, for me... That has been shown through the three above... Living life is being... Being present, being available, emotionally or otherwise... I want to learn from my family and when I am with others, putting down my cell phone, letting all of my cares go out the window for the time being because I want the legacy of someone that was present. Someone who was "in" all of my conversations. I want to be known as someone who loved and loved well. I know Jesus has been teaching me how to be physically, because I have not been able to just jump up and do all of the things I have missed, but I think I have missed a huge point in being present in my mind. I love, but do I always give those that I am with my whole attention and treat people like they are the most important person on the planet. Do people walk away from time with me and feel like they are as special as I know they are? If not... I am going to take the steps towards changing that.

This was kind of a ramble tonight, but I think you understand my point... and next time I may start my blog post before 1:30 am... I am probably going to read this tomorrow and find all of my mistakes and find where I did not make sense, but for tonight... I am letting it come as it wishes... Goodnight my friends... I love you all!!

Health update...

So, I went to the doctor today at 2:30 to find out what my test results were. I got in and was sitting down with my doctor and she told me that my IGF-1 (insulin growth factor) was still high and that my growth hormone was high in one test and on the high side of normal for the other test... So, she said we needed to do something. This something looks like a double dose of my chemo... So now I just up my dose on Monday night and Thursday night. The last time I had this high of a dose, I was passing out left and right, so I pray this is not the case in the scenario.

For now the double dose of medication is to control the problem... In September, we are going to start injections which will hopefully cure the problem. The injections will be once a month and they will teach me how to do it so I am able to do it at home, which honestly is not the most ideal sounding resolution, but hey, what can ya do? The downside to the injections is that most people has adverse side effects and about 50% get adverse effects for up to 10 days after the injections... I am personally praying against that because let's be honest... no one wants that!!

So, as of now, I am just kind of going through the motions of it all... I don't know quite how I feel, but I do know that I am so thankful for all of you! Your thoughts, your prayers, your kind words... You are all so amazing!! I love you all!!! Thank you for everything... you definitely give me the strength to put my head up on hard days!! I can't even thank you enough!!!

The Latest Update on My Health...

So, I went to the doctor last week to get my blood drawn to do some testing. When the results came back... they found out that my thyroid is borderline low again, which could be why when I eat so well and exercise why I can't get back into shape... So, hopefully that will help... I am also back on prescription vitamin D, thank you NW with your rain and clouds and all around dreary atmosphere. I have to say that I am glad that we had some sunshine today!!!

As far as the other tests... when I went in they kind of gave me some hypothetical situations. One is just keeping me on my same medication which they are hoping to get me off of because when you are on it for a long period of time it can damage your heart and cause problems when you want to get pregnant, someday of course. The next option was if my IGF-1 was high which is my insulin growth factor... If this is high after a couple of tests then it would mean my tumor is secreting a growth hormone and the first option would be surgery and if it is not in a good place that could not cause any potential damage to my spinal chord or nick my pituitary glad then we will look into injections to stop my tumor from secreting the growth hormone. I am not sure how long or how often I would have to get them, but they would make me really really sick which would not be ideal. :)

Anyways, back to my test results... my IGF-1 came back high so this coming Tuesday at 8 am, I have a 3 hour glucose tolerance test and then the next tuesday I have another 3 hour test and then after that I will meet with my doctor to discuss the results of the tests. From there we will discuss what steps we will take next... So that is the latest and I know it isn't the most interesting read, but I am tired and have a bit of a headache... Thank you all so so so much for praying and for all of your support, it means the world to me! I love you all to pieces!!

Jesus Loves Me...

So, after having an emotional couple of days Jesus likes to throw me for a loop and love on me in all of the right ways. I had no idea a few months ago how much I would be blessed by going and seeing Tyrone Wells perform. I have to lay some ground work, Tyrone’s music has been a great comfort for me through this whole process and when I am down, I just pop in his music and Jesus shows his love to me through song. I hear Jesus through music a lot actually…. Anyways, I went to the dentist this morning and was happy because I did not have any problems… So that was feat one of the day, go to some sort of medical appointment and not have an issue. To most of you, you are probably thinking that this is nothing, but to me this is God’s provision on my heart. I was just telling my mom yesterday how I wish I could go to an appointment and not have some sort of problem for once and here I go to the dentist on “April Fool’s Day” and I have my first appointment in a long time without any complications… Now tell me that Jesus does not have a sense of humor!

I went to meet my friend Amber down at Mississippi studios and we went and ate next door first and made some new friends and saw some interesting characters as well. We had some great conversation and God really used her to speak some truth into my heart… I am finding that one part of me finds it very hard to let others speak truth to me when it comes down to who I am as a person. I am working very hard at accepting it instead of shrugging it off, but I want to grow in any way I can so I am working at it. We then headed over to the concert with Bonnie and Daniel. Tyrone was beaming with the Holy Spirit… It was all over him!! He spoke on a couple different things, one was just about his relationship with Jesus and he was so honest and humble and pure and gentle and genuine… He talked about what he believed and it looked like he was just walking hand in hand with a friend of his. It was beautiful. It makes me want to be more bold with people and stand up for what I believe and what I hold onto with my morals and just cherish what is precious to me. The other thing he talked about was another big one… He talked about women and how society has pushed the wrong image of beauty and just embracing how God created us and said to be confident in who we are because that is the most attractive thing to a guy. It was a message I need to hear because I have struggled with body image issues for way too long!!! I am ready to break free from that and truly live in freedom with Jesus!!

I am so excited because I finally am starting to feel like I am myself again. I am fully back, but I am coming and I am coming strong, with Jesus there is not anyone who can push me down and satan does not have a lie that can keep me anymore… I choose to believe what Jesus says is true, I mean why would I want to believe someone who is not looking out for my best interest? It just doesn’t make sense. I would really challenge everyone to take a look at who you are now and compare that with who you were as a child and see where you may need to release control over and come back to yourself as a child who’s father is ready to embrace You, not who you think someone wants, but He created each one of us different because He wanted diversity and uniqueness and beauty and all of the quirks… We are free to be beautiful and handsome and loved and to love… We are free to put ourselves out there and free to fall back into Jesus’ arms when we get hurt, but just because we get hurt it does not mean that we take ourselves out of the race… Share your dreams with Jesus… Don’t give up on them, they are there for a reason, don’t just accept mediocre as the best you will get… I love you all and am so thankful for who you have been in my life and for the support along my journey… Have an amazing day everyone and sorry for my rambling! :)

Ames~

New Year... New news...

So, I am sorry again for my vacancy on my blog. For some reason, when you are not glued to a couch for months at a time it is hard to sit down and write something worth reading. So, here goes nothing... haha!!

There are a few aspects to this blog... Health (the reason for this blog), upcoming events in my life, and struggles/how God is working... So here goes nothing :)

On March 19th I went into the waterfront offices of OHSU... My first stop was on floor number 3, the MRI, which is not totally invasive but the sounds that thing makes could make cats scream... take a moment, imagine what that would sound like... yes there ya go, now you are in an MRI.... So, I went in and did my waiting in the waiting room (sidenote, have you people ever thought that they need to change that name, waiting room... it is more like an excuse than anything else, they should call it the in and out room) anyways, so my nurse came back and started to go through everything with me, but I am a pro and so I told her that there was no metal on me from head to toe and so I followed her into the room to get my IV placed. One thing a nurse should NEVER say, that my nurse kindly stated was "I am not very good at this". Well, shame on me because I should have asked for another nurse right away, but instead I just sat there and said, "I am sure it won't be bad, I just can't look because it still makes me nervous." Well, here is how the conversation went on:

Nurse: Ok, here comes the needle (small poke)
Me: Oh, that didn't hurt at all
Nurse: I wouldn't say that quite yet (yet another thing a nurse should never say)
Me: Oh... (then in my head... ow ow ow ow... what is she doing in there with that thing?)
Nurse: Oh I think I should call the other nurse... Nurse Sue, nurse Sue... (all the while she is wiggling a little thing in my arm)
Me: (in my head... this feels like she is putting an epidural in my arm... and there she goes again... owwwww pain!!)
Nurse: Oh there we go, I got it...
Me: (in my head... I do not like this lady)

So, after we bonded I followed her back into the room and she connected me to the contrast machine and slid me back into the machine... It went for a while and once it was over, I thought that was the worst part, but alas, she had some more fun planned for me... She tried to disconnected the cord and my IV, but she could not get it so again... We go with the what not to do... She grabs my IV and starts pulling in two directions... She then states "I put this on so tight, it doesn't seem to want to come off... I guess I will just have to break it off... Seriously lady... why!!! Luckily she got it off without a problem so there I was on my way up to the 8th floor, I have never been so excited to visit the neurosurgery level... As I am talking to the receptionist I look down and notice that my blood is coming down my arm from where my IV is... This is a new concept for me as this has never happened before... I told the receptionist and he sent me back to my doctor who stated that it was a total mess and fixed me up... I went through my appointment without a hitch from there on... Praise Jesus!!!

I got the results back and my tumor is the same size as it was before which is not bad, but it is not what they were hoping so they upped my dose of medication... Now I am back to taking it two times a week again instead of once. Most of my bloodwork came back OK as my doctor put... all except my Vitamin D which was low, so my doctor ordered a vitamin D prescription... and my insulin growth factor was up again... which is my growth hormone... I have to go back in, in June and get my levels checked again... If it is high still then I will have to have one more test to truly test it out and if it is high after that then we will look at surgery.

So, now we are onto what is coming up in my life. I am trying to get an internship in marketing and then in the Fall I am planning on going back to Oregon State to get my degree in Marketing. That is the plan for now, so we will see what happens in between now and then.

As far as what I have been struggling with... I have had two friends in particular let's just call them R and T.... :) I had amazing conversations with them and they were so encouraging and speaking truth and healing into me and I was doing so well... and then I went to get my allergy shots today... I had the smallest dose and I had a reaction and they have to talk to my doctor and figure out what to do with me. I got that news and the news about my blood results all in a matter of two or so hours. So, I was driving home... crying which was not the safest thing to do, but I was and I was listening to the United Pursuit Band and the song Arise, Shine came on and it was so good... I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. I got home and got everything under control and my doctor's nurse called to make my blood work appointment... well, I got off the phone and bawled... See, this doesn't happen very often because I tend to hold it all in and cry in the shower (for some reason it is the best place for me to do it) anyways, I got myself under control again and went inside just to be asked by Lexi what was wrong... I cried again... Geez!! So, that is what I am struggling with.... Purpose in the hard stuff and feeling the emotions, but not getting lost in them...

Every day brings something a little bit new, but I am ready to face it in relationship with Jesus, because the One who loves me most is the One who is in charge and caring for me in all the details!! Thank you all for praying and I will let you know what happens as soon as I find anything out!! I love you all so much!! Muahhh!!!

Ames~